I can't think. I can't concentrate. I don't even know what's going on in my life any more. There are some strange thoughts that plague my mind that I can't seem to shake off; there is someone who keeps on invading my thoughts and prevents me from being productive. I hate it, I hate it so much.
"Just forget it! Leave them be!" Wise words, probably--- not the most practical advice though, I'm afraid. Were it so easy to just forget someone, I think I would be a much happier person. Lately I've had so many discussions with my close friend about what it means to care about someone. My troubles transformed, from not-caring about someone and thus unable to show concern, to caring about someone I wish I could forget. My life would be easier that way.
Is it too cruel to wish someone out of your life? Yet I know if they disappeared I would grieve for ages and become quite inconsolable. What I need is a healthy dose of amnesia, really. It's almost like I'm suffering from PTSD.
To compound my latest frustrations, I re-discovered my diary which I had not written in for many months. I realized all my previous entries were full of depressing tales, and apparently I wanted to kill myself by overdosing on morphine on New Year's Eve of 2013. It turns out I had gone back to my parents' place for Christmas, my mother said something which absolutely tipped me over the edge, and I became woefully depressed and mildly suicidal. I'm kind of frightened that I thought that way once- since by then I had technically already moved out and everything should have been going swimmingly.
I think I'm just more grateful to be alive these days. I found out about the explosions in Tianjin, China today. That's where I could've gone to uni, really. I could be a +1 to the talley of missing bodies, or among those in hospital suffering from burns, blunt trauma and organ failure due to the force of the explosion. That's me, in a different timeline, living a different possibility. Therefore I should be grateful for where I am now, shouldn't I. Physically capable, clever and incredibly good at being liked by others. Here I am, sitting comfortably, troubled by self-invented woes while thousands of lives are being torn apart on a different continent.
What the fuck does it even mean, to be a better person? There have always been people I looked up to- and I decided I would select their best qualities, and copy them. Since they had these qualities I admired, if I worked towards it myself, I would surely be advancing myself. It's wrong. It's so, so wrong. I had no idea what some people traded to become what I admired. I don't even mean "hard work" and "effort", I mean they suffered, suffered greatly, and perhaps only circumstance forced them to become the person they are. If I had understood the price they paid, perhaps I would not wish to be like them at all.
Nights like these make me rethink my goals for cultivating certain virtues. Virtues are virtues because they are approved by society; flaws are flaws because they do not benefit me. Once in a while I'd like someone to say, "even if your best is not good enough, your best is all you can give and all anyone can reasonably expect from you". In truth, only one person has ever said that to me, Though they are no longer a part of my life, I am so grateful for those words- so when they resonate in my mind, I know it is an echo of words that had once been spoken, as opposed to a device of my desperate imagination.
And maybe on occasions like these- when I've stayed up far too late and feel very strangely depressed, maybe it's ok to print my slanted thoughts onto slanted lines.
Friday, 14 August 2015
Wednesday, 12 August 2015
Tilted
You know that feeling, when you try doing too many things at once, and everything seems to slot slightly out of place? Like that painting on the wall you try to straighten- and you push it further out of place with your effort, until you leave it dangling more slanted than before. It's a nuisance in terms of aesthetics, but then if you don't let it bother you, nothing consequential comes out of it either.
It's so hard being the protagonist- even in your own life. You keep on trying to be the hero you see, but it becomes so unrealistic after a while. It's absolute bullshit how all these main characters only have one fatal flaw, and how they overcome it with "the power of friendship" or whatever. People are flawed in so many different ways, but flaws are only contextual anyway. One's flaw is another's virtue in a different environment, and sometimes I just feel like my talents make me maladaptive to this timeline I travel.
They say when you love someone, you love them for their flaws. It's not that you don't see flaws, but you love them for it, and accept it for part of who they are. That concept frightens me to no end- if you recognize it as a flaw to begin with, that just means some part of your system have rejected it from the beginning. You can love someone despite this, but when that love runs out, their flaws will surface, and become magnified. It is so much harder to love then. One argument gone extremely wrong will be like a bucket of cold water over your head. "How could I have been so blind? How in the world did I think I could live with that? It's so fucked up."
That's not even the worst though. The worst is when your passion inevitably diminishes, and you must learn to be content with a more domestic, familial relationship. Your partner has to be your friend, your family, and you must interact with them daily. And you watch, every day, as you count up the different aspects of this person that bother you- until one day it crumbles and you can't even begin to explain how you ended up this way.
"I love the way he pouts and grumbles when I win an argument"
---I hate the fact that he never apologizes afterwards
"I love the sparkles in his eyes when he talks about his passions"
---I hate it when he doesn't know when to shut up, because I'm clearly not interested
"I love the fact that he's knowledgeable and mature"
---I hate his jaded personality and how he undermines my optimism
Even then, things are not at their worst. Love and hate, I believe, go hand in hand. They both require emotional investment, they require thought and feeling and even your body will make some response- your heart will ache and your eyes will water. The worst part is when you don't hear from someone for days, but you don't think about it. You don't have these crazy thoughts of "what if they got ran over by a car", you don't worry about whether they're cold, whether they're eating well or wonder if they miss you. You continue with your life and you can't tell the difference if they are there or not.
And it turns out the one line that can collapse your whole world is, "ah, I forgot about you."
It's so hard being the protagonist- even in your own life. You keep on trying to be the hero you see, but it becomes so unrealistic after a while. It's absolute bullshit how all these main characters only have one fatal flaw, and how they overcome it with "the power of friendship" or whatever. People are flawed in so many different ways, but flaws are only contextual anyway. One's flaw is another's virtue in a different environment, and sometimes I just feel like my talents make me maladaptive to this timeline I travel.
They say when you love someone, you love them for their flaws. It's not that you don't see flaws, but you love them for it, and accept it for part of who they are. That concept frightens me to no end- if you recognize it as a flaw to begin with, that just means some part of your system have rejected it from the beginning. You can love someone despite this, but when that love runs out, their flaws will surface, and become magnified. It is so much harder to love then. One argument gone extremely wrong will be like a bucket of cold water over your head. "How could I have been so blind? How in the world did I think I could live with that? It's so fucked up."
That's not even the worst though. The worst is when your passion inevitably diminishes, and you must learn to be content with a more domestic, familial relationship. Your partner has to be your friend, your family, and you must interact with them daily. And you watch, every day, as you count up the different aspects of this person that bother you- until one day it crumbles and you can't even begin to explain how you ended up this way.
"I love the way he pouts and grumbles when I win an argument"
---I hate the fact that he never apologizes afterwards
"I love the sparkles in his eyes when he talks about his passions"
---I hate it when he doesn't know when to shut up, because I'm clearly not interested
"I love the fact that he's knowledgeable and mature"
---I hate his jaded personality and how he undermines my optimism
Even then, things are not at their worst. Love and hate, I believe, go hand in hand. They both require emotional investment, they require thought and feeling and even your body will make some response- your heart will ache and your eyes will water. The worst part is when you don't hear from someone for days, but you don't think about it. You don't have these crazy thoughts of "what if they got ran over by a car", you don't worry about whether they're cold, whether they're eating well or wonder if they miss you. You continue with your life and you can't tell the difference if they are there or not.
And it turns out the one line that can collapse your whole world is, "ah, I forgot about you."
Wednesday, 5 August 2015
Strife
Day 20, my friend is still pissed off at me.
Well, I don't actually know if it's day 20, I haven't been counting carefully. If I had to estimate it though, 20 would be my guess.
Why is she mad at me? Oh I have a few hypotheses. It's either because of the ugly sequelae following that exam she failed, or because I told her to date this guy she doesn't actually like. I'm not sure which one she's more pissed off at, but it's pretty awkward for me right now.
Sometimes I don't think things are a big deal, but it turns out they mean a lot to other people, and the "inconsequential" things I do probably end up hurting peoples' feelings. I don't even realize it at the time, then when I respond it's more "wow that is so fucking trivial, are you seriously angry at me over this" as opposed to just "sorry". It's a terrible way to react, I know.
I'm actually just a shitty person sometimes.
Then the telling her to date a guy she doesn't like thing--- well, I realized this guy liked her, and I thought he was a pretty cool guy! So I was like, why don't you give him a chance (to her) and she got really pissed off. I think it's probably because I keep on making these peer-pressure comments that she gets so irritated. I've since learnt better and I swear to God I will never make the same mistake in the future. Moral of the story kids, NEVER say to someone "you should go out with X or Y" or "you'd make a cute couple" or w/e ---- the comments seem harmless enough but apparently they're really fucking annoying and you could just piss someone off in the process. When you think about it, there's nothing to be gained from your friend either dating or not-dating someone, in fact when they DO date, you'd probs hear all about the drama and then it's just not worth.
Though she is now best friends with the guy that likes her, so I guess that worked out. Or did it? Because she's defs still pissed off at me.
Not overtly pissed--- more like, withdrawn mood, avoidance, and denial of eye contact. It could be depression. I get the feeling that she just wants to be left alone though, so I might just leave it and see if she gets over it. I asked her if she was sad the other day, and she seemed to take offense--- that doesn't mean she's not sad, btw, she's just offended I think she's sad. Women are so complicated, I swear.
No that was a lie too, they're not complicated. I just worked out why she's pissed, so there's nothing complicated about it. I probs just need to man up and apologize for hurting her feelings. She's avoiding me as much as she can though so idk how it's going to go through. I'll do my best.
I hate taking responsibility for the shitty things I do.
Well, I don't actually know if it's day 20, I haven't been counting carefully. If I had to estimate it though, 20 would be my guess.
Why is she mad at me? Oh I have a few hypotheses. It's either because of the ugly sequelae following that exam she failed, or because I told her to date this guy she doesn't actually like. I'm not sure which one she's more pissed off at, but it's pretty awkward for me right now.
Sometimes I don't think things are a big deal, but it turns out they mean a lot to other people, and the "inconsequential" things I do probably end up hurting peoples' feelings. I don't even realize it at the time, then when I respond it's more "wow that is so fucking trivial, are you seriously angry at me over this" as opposed to just "sorry". It's a terrible way to react, I know.
I'm actually just a shitty person sometimes.
Then the telling her to date a guy she doesn't like thing--- well, I realized this guy liked her, and I thought he was a pretty cool guy! So I was like, why don't you give him a chance (to her) and she got really pissed off. I think it's probably because I keep on making these peer-pressure comments that she gets so irritated. I've since learnt better and I swear to God I will never make the same mistake in the future. Moral of the story kids, NEVER say to someone "you should go out with X or Y" or "you'd make a cute couple" or w/e ---- the comments seem harmless enough but apparently they're really fucking annoying and you could just piss someone off in the process. When you think about it, there's nothing to be gained from your friend either dating or not-dating someone, in fact when they DO date, you'd probs hear all about the drama and then it's just not worth.
Though she is now best friends with the guy that likes her, so I guess that worked out. Or did it? Because she's defs still pissed off at me.
Not overtly pissed--- more like, withdrawn mood, avoidance, and denial of eye contact. It could be depression. I get the feeling that she just wants to be left alone though, so I might just leave it and see if she gets over it. I asked her if she was sad the other day, and she seemed to take offense--- that doesn't mean she's not sad, btw, she's just offended I think she's sad. Women are so complicated, I swear.
No that was a lie too, they're not complicated. I just worked out why she's pissed, so there's nothing complicated about it. I probs just need to man up and apologize for hurting her feelings. She's avoiding me as much as she can though so idk how it's going to go through. I'll do my best.
I hate taking responsibility for the shitty things I do.
Tuesday, 4 August 2015
Flutter
Having a crush is an emotional roller coaster.
My attention span was pathetic enough as it was. Now studying is near impossible.
My heart skipped when they texted back. Yes I texted first. Encouraged by this, I texted again, and this time it was a 2 word reply, 4 hours later.
I thought, ok, this is the end, was fun while it lasted. I get the hint. Conversation ended.
Then I check my social media page, turns out they added me 8 hours ago and asked, "hey, how are you".
My feelings are reignited.
I swear this is the most embarrassing thing to happen since the crush I had in year 12 (3 years ago).
Yet, I feel alive.
My attention span was pathetic enough as it was. Now studying is near impossible.
My heart skipped when they texted back. Yes I texted first. Encouraged by this, I texted again, and this time it was a 2 word reply, 4 hours later.
I thought, ok, this is the end, was fun while it lasted. I get the hint. Conversation ended.
Then I check my social media page, turns out they added me 8 hours ago and asked, "hey, how are you".
My feelings are reignited.
I swear this is the most embarrassing thing to happen since the crush I had in year 12 (3 years ago).
Yet, I feel alive.
Monday, 3 August 2015
Wait
Do you want to live your life in vain?
-No
Do you want to live a life of regret?
-No, not at all.
Do you want to inspire greatness? Be worshiped by others?
-Uh, not particularly.
What is it then, that you want out of life? Do you have even a trace of ambition?
-I want to be happy. I have plenty of ambition.
Are your ambitions realistic? Is it that easy to be happy?
-It's never easy being happy. Being happy is my primary ambition.
Without sadness, there can be no happiness. Do you know what it means to be happy?
-I don't like being sad. I believe I have seen enough of sorrow to know happiness.
What will you contribute to society? What will you do for this world? Are you content with being a mere thread in the tapestry of time?
-I will contribute by spreading the happiness I find. I don't know if I will change the world. I am content with being happy, whether that makes me a thread or something else.
In the end, I just want to live.
-No
Do you want to live a life of regret?
-No, not at all.
Do you want to inspire greatness? Be worshiped by others?
-Uh, not particularly.
What is it then, that you want out of life? Do you have even a trace of ambition?
-I want to be happy. I have plenty of ambition.
Are your ambitions realistic? Is it that easy to be happy?
-It's never easy being happy. Being happy is my primary ambition.
Without sadness, there can be no happiness. Do you know what it means to be happy?
-I don't like being sad. I believe I have seen enough of sorrow to know happiness.
What will you contribute to society? What will you do for this world? Are you content with being a mere thread in the tapestry of time?
-I will contribute by spreading the happiness I find. I don't know if I will change the world. I am content with being happy, whether that makes me a thread or something else.
In the end, I just want to live.
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