Better Times

My mood has improved substantially since daylight saving time started. I think dusk must be my favourite time of the day, when I can see the trailing blaze of crimson across the sky, as the warmth of the earth rises through my soles. The temperature is pleasantly warm- warm enough for shorts but not so excessive that need the aircon 24/7. Oh, and school is almost over. I've done exceedingly well to get where I am, and though happiness and contentment is a rare-find some days.

I've started reading The House of God again. It's this novel that's famous through the medical world for its unironic presentation of the brutalities doctors face in medicine. I understand more in-jokes now than I ever did before, and I do feel a little disturbed by the things I'm amused by. I think I'll go for something different when I finish The House of God, my friend has recommended Lord of the Flies. I've actually started that already, and from the first few chapters of that I had a sneaking suspicion that a certain character was going to die, then I was impatient enough to spoil the story for myself. Yeah, he dies.

Aaaanyway, I've gone broke recently having shelled out a large sum of money for a conference which I am no longer receiving a grant for. I don't think I would've signed up for it if I didn't expect my grant to go through. Oh well, now that I've paid for everything, I'll just treat it as a mega holiday. I was going to do something to celebrate my graduation anyway, and this can be part of it. I can spoil myself, a little, yeah?

I do fear I've become a bit too relaxed now, though. All I've done since passing my last exam is go see friends, play game and watch league. The international tournament for league is on at the moment, and the team I've supported for years just made it past the initial group stage of the tournament, which I'm pretty happy about. I had faith in them but the odds weren't that good. At least it worked out in the end.

I honestly haven't felt this relaxed since the end of year 12. Like, wow, I pulled through, the mountain of pressure is gone and I've got myself sorted, at least for a little while. Next year will be extra-stressful, but that's next year's trouble. I'm enjoying better times.

More Dates

You'd think it was unwise for me to start dating immediately after dumping someone- but I can't fucking stand my loneliness. I should have been finishing my last assignment of the year, studying for my last exam, or simply reading another book to improve myself. Instead I decided to see someone and get myself tangled once more.

It was a nice day we spent at the gallery. Good company, I'd say. Definitely had fun. Not what I wanted though. I sensed their anxiety from the get-go. Cute, someone's anxious about seeing me. They're again, worried about what I might think of them. I enjoy that. I enjoy having my opinion matter so much... but I'm attracted to arrogance. Not even confidence, arrogance. Didn't feel a shred of that with this person.

I looked at some expensive artwork, and I boldly proclaimed that "I could do better". Actually I probably could, but I'm not sure anyone would buy it for several thousands of dollars. It was intended as a bit of a joke though- my date didn't laugh. They just nodded and said, "I'm terrible at art". I found the same pattern of humility repeated over multiple conversations. Then bam, it hits me, my overwhelming sense of superiority once again. I heard the voice in my head saying, "you think you're better. You feel like you're better. You can do better, and you deserve better".

And that voice was all I heard for the rest of the day.

I felt hollow and empty once again, on my train ride home. What was it that I was looking for? WHO am I looking for? Why the fuck do I keep telling myself I can do "better"??? What the fuck is "better"? Money? Looks? A brilliant mind? And why would someone with all those things want to be with someone like me? I must be reaching delusional levels of self-worth, if I am finding all these people unsatisfactory.

How do you search for something, when you don't even know what you're searching for? All I'm doing is rejecting every option I've been presented, and I'm at the point where I can't even give valid reasons any more. This time I won't complain about their hair, their face, the way they dress, the way they talk, or whatever it was I complained about last time. I just felt, "no, you're not what I'm looking for either, though you are an improvement over the last guy".

I should just go work on my assignment. Maybe it's "better" for me to be alone.