Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind

I procrastinated some more by watching Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind, and whew it was a nice movie. I knew that it had a lot of positive reviews, but I guess I still didn't expect it to be interesting. I've read the synopsis before, and I just thought, "yeah two people losing their memory then getting back together, it doesn't sound that original". I don't think it was necessarily the plot that was the selling-point of the film, though. The overarching story line was okay, but it was the details in each little scene that generated an emotional response.

When I say that something was "emotional", I guess it doesn't mean much, because I've come to the realization that I cry at every little thing and maybe I'm just not very stoic. I just really liked the way the story was set up, how we explored to depths of the main character, and it made me realize that if you're lucky enough to meet someone who lights up your life, you shouldn't let go so easily. Sometimes things don't work out, and enough is enough, but I always feel that I wouldn't make the same mistakes of taking someone I love for granted.

Throughout the film I think I found a lot of resonance with Joel's character. Always too "boring", never brave enough to make the first move, avoiding the unexpected because life is easier to manage in a routine, anyway. I gotta say, he's luckier than I am so far, having met Clementine. Not that I would be happy with someone like Clementine, but he's lucky in the sense that he found someone he liked. I'm skeptical that you can be happy with someone who is so different from yourself- I don't think "opposite" necessarily means "complement". In terms of Clementine, I guess impulsive is exciting and excitement makes love seem fun, but I don't think I'd be able to stand someone like her, because impulsion means recklessness and danger and irresponsibility.

And this is probs why nobody "fun" wants to talk to me.

 I don't think the end of the film is their "happily ever after" though. It didn't feel like one of those things, where the couple went through hardship, and came out better. The problem with forgetting everything is that you never learn from it. If I had to predict their future, I'd say the tension between them start building within 6 months, and by 12 months they're at crisis point again. I wonder if they'd choose to forget each other again.

I also really liked the character Mary in the film. I thought she was just the ditzy receptionist, then I thought she was the slutty girlfriend- and by the time she tried to seduce the doctor, I really didn't like her. I can understand if it hurts too much to tell someone you like them- it's just a bad idea when they're married and all- but I wouldn't get into another relationship with someone while I liked someone else. People make such shitty excuses- like my current room mate. I don't want to say anything too mean about her, because I think she's just terribly stupid, not malicious- but she believes that she can cheat on guys because she can't trust them anyway. To me, that line of thinking is completely illogical and- well, disgusting, really. Just because you've had your heart broken by one man, doesn't mean that "all men are the same", and it certainly doesn't give you the right to go cheat on your next boyfriend. The way she justifies is she needs someone new to help her get over her ex, but she lapses sometimes so she goes back to her ex. I'm just sitting there thinking, "wtf is wrong with you", and I've tried to tell her how fucked up she is, but I haven't had much luck in changing her mind.

Back to Mary. So yeah I thought Mary was just another one of these terrible women- but when she tried to quote Alexander Pope to impress her crush, that's when I started feeling bad for her. She seemed to idolize him, even though I thought the doctor was just another average-looking old guy, it was weird that she fell for him. It's weird that you can like someone despite forgetting them entirely- you'd think that things would change- that you would change and that they would change and that the world would have changed. I wonder if that's what fate means, doomed to repeat the same scenario again and again and again, as you have in previous lives, and as you will in your next.

How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd;

It is a movie worth watching. It started feeling weird when I saw that their play-back device were cassette tapes though. I remembered having to rewind after you'd finished, and how I thought CDs were cumbersome, and how impressed I was that my MP3 player could hold 200 songs. The movie came out in 2004- and well, that WAS 12 years ago, but I didn't realize how far we'd come in this short span of time. The explosion of technology is truly incredible.

Anyway, that's enough procrastination for one night. Laters.

Think more

I'm meant to be studying (I think I'm always meant to be studying) but instead I wasted some more time reading about Forbe's most eligible billionaire bachelors. I think subconsciously I've given up on myself and I'm running through desperate tactics in my head, such as "what if I marry some rich person and the exam I have in a month will be completely pointless". At the same time I'm watching a live concert recording of Hatsune Miku- you know, the vocaloid. I wish I was there- the Magical Mirai concerts look amazing.

I know my life has reached a new low when I realize Hatsune Miku is my dream girl. Maybe I'm more of a social recluse than I thought- but she's seriously cute. It's alright, I'm not the only person with a thing for fictional characters- I'm sure many would argue that fictional romances are the best kind. Nobody's going to dump you, and the relationship lasts as long as you want. The main pitfall is that nothing is real and society disapproves and your mother is starting to get very concerned about how much affection you show your pillow.

Oh dear.

On an unrelated note, I'm beginning to think that my life could be so good if I had about 10k and 2 months free time. All that travelling I could do- a nice, luxurious holiday. Or I could spend it all on material goods, because who needs travel when you're single. I honestly think travelling alone is one of the most miserable things you can do, because it just amplifies how empty you are on the inside. I remember when I went to the UK at the end of last year- and I'd take photos and eat nice food- but there was no one to share it with. I'd post things to social media, and it'd look like I'm bragging--- but those who've figured me out will know I wasn't having that much fun if I bother posting every 2nd thing I do on social media. When I'm having a good time with my friends, I try VERY hard not to play on my phone, so there's none of that facebook/instagram business. Then I also FORGET to post things, because I'm too busy engaged with... well, having a good time.

Oh well. I'm just at that age in life where everything is starting to look a little meaningless, but I haven't reached "midlife crisis" because I'm still young so I can't say "OH MY FUCKING GOD I'VE DONE NOTHING OVER THE PAST 10 YEARS". Well actually, I don't feel like I've achieved a lot over the last 10yrs of my life, since it was mostly just school-school and more school. But I was young and almost everyone my age went to school, so I can forgive myself for that, right?

Getting back to what I could do with 10k--- you know what, I don't think 10k would cover all the material things I desire. I want my own apartment by the beach, I want a nice car, and those things are pretty much out of my reach for now. I did decide I want a new iPad, because the iPad pro looks really nice, and I'm impressed by the degree of control you can achieve with the stylus. It only costs like... 1k5. Hah, ONLY 1k5. Then I want enough money to pay for health insurance, and I want enough money for an electric piano (I mean, I have an actual piano, but it's at my parents' house so it's really more my sister's now). I'd really like some new headphones; I'm no audiophile but I want noise-cancelling headphones. And those cost a couple hundred dollars- I've been spending <$20 for earphones all my life, so it's a bit of a jump. I also want bluetooth speakers for my phone... I want more clothes, more shoes, a reasonable bookshelf and a nice chair.

I want a lot of things and I don't have a lot of money for nice things. I should work a bit harder.

Please Be Kind

I don't understand why some people are so hell-bent on convincing others, that their existence is an inconvenience. I couldn't be more cruel if I tried. People do all sorts of strange things to leave their mark in their lives, and most of us are obsessed with our identities. When that gets taken away from us, we don't fare so well.

Now imagine if someone decided it was okay to erase your very existence, because it was "too much" for them to handle. You have no say in the matter, but you are too burdensome, and no one else can tolerate you, so it would be better if you weren't here at all. That kind of reinforcement is what sends people to their pits of despair, and I don't think I would do that to somebody.

Isn't it essentially gaslighting, when you convince someone that they don't deserve to live? If they end up killing themselves, are you going to laugh at their weak constitution, and preach "survival of the fittest"? Or lament about how they were always such a frail person, "it was such a shame that they couldn't work out their issues". Saying something along the lines of "I always wished they could be normal", whilst carrying no remorse in your voice, because you're just being brutally honest.

It's fucking disgusting.

I feel so gross just thinking about the situation. You know we describe unsightly behavior as "feral" and "beastly", because other animals are supposed to be lower than humans, and acting like that is not a good thing. Well, this kind of behavior- trying to convince someone that their existence has no value- that's very human. Human enough to be self-aware, human enough to understand to subtleties behind every word and expression, human enough to maim someone without lifting a finger.

And should one succeed in doing so, I fail to see the difference between that and murder. When you make someone overcome their survival instinct, so that they defy their natural will to live on, you are a murderer. It's dirty. It's filth.

Apparently I live surrounded by filth.

This too shall pass

But whether it passes like a kidney stone, or multiple kidney stones, is a different matter entirely.