Hah

Sorry for not blogging for a while- I had exams and they were kind of stressful. I'm convinced that I failed one major topic, and I'm just praying now that my overall marks make up for it. It's kind of pitiful, isn't it, how far I've fallen. I used to get so stressed about 0.5% of an assignment, or whatever extra marks I could have gotten. I want to say I've stopped caring, but it's more like, I've stopped showing that I care.

Anyway I'm technically on holiday right now, my family is a "pleasure", as usual. There's a calm surface but probably a vortex of terror brewing beneath. I just want to leave before I get sucked into some more bullshit. I'm surrounded by such ignorant and hurtful people. I don't even want to be here, but my parents make it sound like the greatest sin- that I don't want to see them again. If I had to explain it like they were 5, it'd be like, "well you see, when you say certain things a certain way, it hurts my feelings. And when you do that repeatedly, I don't want to see you again, because I don't enjoy being hurt over and over".

Actually I said that to them already- heh. And guess what, they said they were just telling the truth, and that they don't think it was hurtful; I was just too sensitive. That actually made me more angry. What a load of shit. I've said again and again, that my biggest fear is becoming someone like my "father", because sometimes he's just a shitty excuse for a human and now that he's becoming old and feeble, I pity him but the disgust is certainly growing as well.

But eh, life goes on, and I don't ever want to think about ending my life again. I think my life is precious to me, and when people make me feel like life isn't worth living, they should be the ones to leave, not me. I'm not murderous enough to think, "what if I kill them before I kill me", but if I shut them out of my life- well, that's easier said than done, but even if it doesn't make me "happy", not being perpetually depressed is a good start.

So what have I been up to? Well, I started watching a new anime- Kiznaiver. It's a great anime, I'd recommend it to anyone who likes coming-of-age stories. It's about a group of high school kids, who are bonded together by pain- so that when one person is hurt, everyone else hurts as well. I grew jealous as I watched the show- I wish those who had hurt me the most would be bound by my pain, so that they can taste what they have inflicted. And I promise, they will NOT have to gall to say, "that wasn't hurtful, you're just too sensitive".

This is why I've become such a shitty person. I focus too hard on hurting people, because I want my pain to be felt. I know life's unfair, and I'm not even trying to make it any better, I just want to destroy because I'm on the receiving end of it all. Then I wonder- what would life be like for those living in poverty and desperation, if I, living in a resource-rich country, educated at a tertiary institution, toy with thoughts of self-harm and suicide. It also makes me feel ashamed, because it seems people in circumstances far more dire than my own, finds their will to live, and finds a way to do so, whereas I'm just floating around being a jackass.

But it's fine to admit I'm probably more prone to depression- you can say it's because I'm weak- but I think it's comparable to people who say they can't tolerate the cold. "Weak"- and they might have died if we didn't have things like... clothes and fires. Compared to penguins or something- who seem fine swimming in water with chunks of ice- not that it upsets very many people, that our thermal control aren't up to par with the penguins. We've overcome challenges nonetheless, and there are scientists stationed in Antarctica doing whatever they do, surviving the cold like the penguins are.

I'd like to think I can get better. People get depressed about all kinds of things, all the time.

So yes, I think I'll take the rest of my break easy, and avoid conflict where possible. I'll do a bit of reading, a lot more of gaming, and stay safe. Life's hard, and I just don't need any kind of negativity right now. Next semester should be really exciting, and I have so many things in this life, it'd be nice if I could explore a bit of my potential.

Counselling

One aspect I dread about the topic of obstetrics is counselling parents about foetal abnormalities. I often thought that it would be super-duper-cool to be a geneticist, because it's like I'm some kind of God playing with the fibres of life--- it's not like that in reality. I'm wasting my time on Facebook when I should be preparing for my exams, and I come across this headline where a mother writes to her doctor, about how the doctor was so wrong to advise an abortion, since the mother is now very, very happy with her daughter, despite the fact that her daughter has Down Syndrome.

"The truth is, your child is perfect"- is apparently what mothers would have liked to hear, despite a diagnosis of Down Syndrome. I mean, I take communication classes, but I seriously wouldn't phrase it that way. I don't think it's a doctor's job to tell you what you want to hear, but it's to deliver the truth in the most acceptable way. Maybe he failed to communicate certain aspects which mean more to the parents- like how they'll still be parents, and whatever joys of parenting they can still feel that... but I'm guessing that particular doctor was thinking more about how "this child is more likely to die" and "I should screen for heart defects".

I'm torn, really. The dominant side of my personality wants to yell "wtf there's nothing 'perfect' or 'normal' about it, we're all trying to pander around one sad and ugly truth"--- then the more human side of me says, "have you ever considered being less cynical and bitter, and just imagine, for a second, that some people might be happy with the prospect of having a child of their own, and that they are capable of loving that child regardless of whatever medical conditions they have". We often bring "quality of life" into our arguments- that even if a child was born they would have a decreased quality of life, and that makes their life not-worth-living. Well, we don't live that life, so it seems unfair that we get to decide who lives and who dies.

Not that I'm anti-abortion. I believe that the woman's autonomy over-rules everything, and ultimately the child is just a parasite in her body, right? Some people say that she should still carry the pregnancy to term, and give the child up for adoption--- something about the sanctity of life. I uh, think saying that is easy- to be detached and removed from the situation makes it sound so very practical- until you consider that a woman would be pregnant against her wishes, and she would labor against her wishes, and deliver against her wishes. That sounds traumatic as hell, don't you agree?

Ultimately in my opinion, it's all for the mother to decide. It's her child, after all. As for "recommending abortion"- I get it, I really do. I get why the doctor would recommend it, and I get why the mother would be outraged at the suggestion. The doctor probably should have gauged what the parents wanted before saying much- but it's true that raising a child with Down Syndrome would not be easy. Really, if I were the doctor, I would probably tell them that screening for Down Syndrome is optional- you can have the blood test and the scan, or you can just carry on. Nobody forces anything onto the patient. If the results return as "high risk", you can decide to have further testing to confirm whether this child indeed has Down Syndrome or some other thing. Each stage of the process requires consent from the mother, and ultimately she may decide to keep carrying the pregnancy despite the diagnosis. We want to counsel in our patient's best interests, but on this topic, it's difficult to gauge what our patients' interests are, unless we asked.

It's probably better to just ask, eh?