Normalcy

Normalcy - is that even a word?

I don't think I know what it means any more.

Part of me is trying to reconcile the fact that life will never return to "as I know it", but even as I say that, businesses have begun re-opening and a lot of people are liking to pretend that there IS no virus around. I don't blame them but I do think denial is an immature psychological defense mechanism.

The loss of time has been disorientating. Months fly by but it hardly feels that way. I've adjusted relatively well to my new job, though the first week or two were fairly daunting. I think I'm well suited for my job at the moment - it does sit well with my temperament and I find it highly enjoyable. When I look back at how far I'd come it feels really strange.

I still remember wishing death on a previous science teacher of mine, because she gave me 4.5/5 in a science report. I would've been 14 years old at the time. It feels too horrible to write and admit.  In retrospect I think I was a very troubled child - even though I thought I was very clever and mature.

I've always wondered - how do people become better? When did I "grow out of" being a complete arse? I think internally I always knew I was an arse - I was bitter and disturbed and I always thought that people who were happy were just stupid. How dare they be happy, in the kind of world we live in. Now I see it as a great feat, to be happy DESPITE the world we live in. I am quite sure I was just envious at the time. Ignorance IS bliss at times.

Perhaps trauma does make us grow as people. I feel like I've had my fair share - not that I like to dwell on it or remember it - but it has changed me. Not sure I agree with trauma being a pre-requisite to change - and many people do come out worse for wear. Luckily I didn't, and I quite like who I am now vs who I was before. It saddens me that my parents don't feel the same way.

Parents - what an alarming thought, that they are the same even though I've changed. More alarming that I will only see them again for a finite number of times before they die. Our relationship has been so terrible since my adolescence - even when I finally decided to take some responsibility for myself, it was difficult the shake my resentment for them. There's a heated bubble below the surface, waiting for tension to break. I don't know what will erupt - I don't particularly want anything to erupt. If I had it my way I would continue my avoidant behavior. I don't even know if that's considered problematic - but I have salvaged my sanity and my sense of self in the process.

The prospect of viral pandemic has made me think deeper about mortality than I have in a long time. I guess I still feel invincible in a way, though logically I know I can die at any time. My world is still expanding, I am still widely ambitious. I want to study, and travel, and make more friends etc. I wonder, if I were terminally ill, would I go back south to live with my parents in my last days?

I don't think I would. If I had a very limited time, I would like to spend it happy.

That thought makes me guilty though. Also comes with a sense of failure. What kind of child abadons their parents in their old age. Why am I not strong enough to endure my parents as people, when I've reached this stage in life. Why am I still scared of being hurt, why am I still so avoidant, when I've claimed to reach a stage of acceptance.

I suppose the trepidation comes as I am planning a visit to my parents this long weekend - after a long period of restrictions are being lifted. I know I will survive, but I do not envision it being pleasant, and I do not know why I am doing this to myself. I don't endorse masochistic behavior, yet it appears this is exactly what I am doing at present.

What does normalcy mean for me?

Pandemic

The situation has rapidly evolved from "it's just another form of the flu" to "oh shit a significant proportion of our population is going to die". I guess it's just another one of those unfortunate things we have to put up with in our life time. I've seen such a wide range of reaction to the COVID-19 situation I'm not sure how I'm supposed to react.

I don't feel much at all- whether it's panic or fear or excitement. Maybe it's the fact that I'm young and I feel near- invincible. I do worry significantly for a few people who I know are physically vulnerable though. Hearing the dismissive attitude of some people really upset me - "oh it only significantly affects older people and those with pre-existing comorbidities". Those people sound disposable when you frame it like that... but they're really not.

While I'm sick of hearing the words "flatten the curve" and "social distancing", part of me does grieve for people's flippant attitudes toward it. Despite this, I don't really blame our population. I just feel like our entire response as a health system has been completely uninspiring. There was a lack of information to begin with, then there was incorrect information, then there was the overwhelming sensationalism all happening at once. I'm sick of our policies being inconsistent and incomplete, I'm sick of guidelines and procedures changing every few days. I understand the situation is fluid and ever-changing, but in times like these, people need simple, clear instructions we can follow and understand. Saying "don't go out, wash your hands" is much simpler than "socially distance yourself". I'm glad the government has finally responded by forcing closure of non-essential businesses etc.

I'll be glad when this is over. I feel like my summer has been entirely ruined by bushfires, and now fall is also ruined by a viral pandemic of all things.I just want this year to end already.

One day

I've been feeling a new kind of desperation recently. Maybe it's because I'm officially one year older than I was before.

I went out to celebrate with a few friends last night. It's not the first time I've felt completely lonely amongst company. It's strange. Like you're surrounded by people but you feel as if you have very little in commmon. Friends are nice... but there are things where I am quite reluctant to share with the friends I currently have... our bond with each other is far too shallow. Fun is to be shared, but misery is to be kept. You don't need to have a lot in common if you define your boundaries that way.

I've been searching for that kind of relationship, where I can relate. I want to breathe the air they breathe, feel the pain they feel, and become accustomed to each others' warmth.

I've always been an over-the-top romanticist.

Modern relationships don't really live up to my ideals. Monogamy is going out of fashion, it seems. Everyone wants a taste of polyamory, everyone wants to know what it feelse to be "open" and "free". I am far too jealous to share my love with another. It takes so much effort to care about just one person, I cannot imagine dedicating an equal amount to another- let alone multiple people.

It doesn't help that I have the strangest quirks, and I will find the most inane reasons to reject someone. Their voice is too high/ their smile is too creepy/ I don't like that accent/ I'm really bothered by that catch-phrase/ and no, no thanks... you're just a tad too ugly and I am convinced I can do so much better. Also, the dating process is just so BORING. "Like to travel/gym/eat food/walk by the beach/love dogs/drink coffee/drink alcohol/watch Netflix" Great, thanks. Me too. It's not that I want to argue politics or explore philosophy on every date, but I feel like if you don't agree on fundamental things sooner or later everything's going to go belly up.

Sooner or later I'm going to have to learn to compromise... but inside my head my own voice mocks me, "did you work this hard just to make compromises?" Yeah, I guess I can see why pride is a sin.

Somewhere buried in all this is my own need to be needed. Maybe that's why I don't mind my job as much as I should- because in this job I can delude myself that I AM needed. What will they do without me? If I take even one single day off, how will the system function? Our resources are so stretched, after all. Yet deep down I know, the world will go on with or without me.

We all want to believe that our lives have consequence. I remember, years ago, when I was feeling quite desperate- I asked, "is my life so insignificant that my death could not even break one person?" I wanted there to be someone I could hurt- to show that I mattered to someone, to show that I was loved. I'm glad to be past that now- it was a terribly maladaptive way of thinking. What was I even trying to achieve?

What I need to learn, after all, is to stop measuring myself by other people's standards. I need to believe that I have inherent value- all the superficial things like looks/money/education aside. It's SO hard. It's all I've been taught to work towards- and probably what I've dedicated most of my time to. Trying to rewire my brain, so that one day I can be comfortable and say, "hey, I'm Vane. I'm kind, I'm caring, I love life for what it has to offer and I'm okay with being flawed and vulnerable" <- literally everything I'm not right now...

One day.

Poverty of choice

Written on 02/03/19
-when I forgot to post.--------------------------------

This is a bit heavy but I need to rant a little after a shit day at work.

It's been 3 months since I last wrote... and I think I only forgot to write because I was having such a great time in the country. Well, I resented the fact that I was in the country (I don't think I'll ever be much of a country boy) but my colleagues were lovely and I overall had such a good time.

Now I'm back in the city, where my colleagues are still lovely but the work is actual dogshit. I skip breakfast/lunch/dinner variably somedays and I rely on random bits of chocolate to keep my sugar levels high enough during the day. That's all fine, because I'm young and energetic and I bounce back after a good weekends' sleep.

What I don't really bounce back from is situations which challenge my moral boundaries.

I don't talk about work much at all, to try and protect the privacy of the people I work with. This will sound rather vague, but I'm a huge fan of dying with dignity. Fundamentally I think if people have the choice to live, they have a choice to die. It's all a bit murky when a person is deemed to "lack capacity". Capacity relates to the ability of a person to make decisions, and ultimately it is hinged on the person's ability to understand, to express a preference, being able to retain the information presented, using consequential reasoning (what will happen if I do or don't), and sustain belief in what is being said. When someone tells me they'd rather die, my first response (internally) has always been "oh holy shit".

Expressing a wish of death seems to go against the very core of human nature, where people have done literally anything to survive. It has been coded in our DNA. So something MUST have gone wrong, when a person is either openly or implicitly choosing death. I think pain is a fairly good motivator, but I think many people fail to realise that there are many forms of pain. It seems unfair for us to make judgments on the value of a life, because life is full of endless potential and possibilities, and some people believe that all life are sacred to begin with. Except we make value judgments all the time. It used to be that whether someone lived or died was due to the will of nature, and as difficult as it was to realise, humans have expiry dates. Now we have a range of technologies which can defy the course of nature, and we try to "fix" the problem in front of us without thinking about the implications of what we are doing.

We continue to defy the belief that death is inevitable, and through this we push through.

Sometimes we bring miracles, and we are entertained by the illusion that we are God. That we can now grant life, whereas previously we only learned to take. What we forget sometimes is that death is a gift of its own. Death is the release from pain, from suffering, from torture. When the benefits of living no longer outweigh the benefits of dying, it is very logical to argue for death.

...Even if you gave up logic, you must acknowledge that death is an inevitability, and it is as much of a right as living. Yet we let our egos get to our heads and we keep people alive long after their expiry. We make may excuses. For love, we say. For the law forbids it, we say. For our profressional duties, we say. Against their wishes to die, we keep them alive, not because we should, but because we CAN. The fear of death can be so ingrained into our being that we think it applies to everyone on this planet. What choice do you have, but to keep living, when you are weak and knocking on deaths door, but your "carers" refuse to let you enter? What choice to do you have, but to continue to suffer in life, when the comfort of death is denied?

It was never me who suffered the poverty of choice. It was those whose rights I had inadvertently denied.

Welcome to the Middle of Nowhere

Following up from my last post- I did go see Li Yundi play at the Sydney Opera House. He played like a total showoff and I loved it. I suppose it was his concert. I'd never been in the Sydney Opera House for a performance, and I enjoyed every second of being there. It was a shame that I was exhausted from work and couldn't relax as much as I'd have liked- I actually had excellent seats despite buying the cheapest tickets. The view + sound was definitely something I'd pay for again.

So I moved for my job temporarily to the countryside. It wasn't really by choice but I didn't mind too much- they offered free accommodation and I thought, "well, I could do with some fresh air". The house I'm staying in is fairly large- I share with 3 other guys but it's fine, I think they make decent housemates since everyone cleans up after themselves. I am just carelessly spending money again since I moved (bought a new wifi adaptor for my PC and a new electric toothbrush) but I've pretty much given in to hedonism so it doesn't matter.

Gotta chase the finer things in life.

My attempts to improve my life don't always work out. I thought I'd meet some new people and try dating again- I think the date was fine but I just didn't like the person very much. Actually I'd lost interested before I even met them for the date- and I wasn't that impressed over the course of the evening. It's very strange when people like me more than I like them. It almost puts me off, because when it's too easy I lose interest. I know it makes me sound like one of those shitty men who like it when their partners play hard-to-get... but I don't, really. I think it's more because I didn't like them to begin with, and then when I realised they liked me, I didn't find it endearing just mildly repulsive. Like if they weren't into me, at least I'd feel that we were on the same page in terms of not being compatible with each other... but now it just makes me feel like this person as no self-awareness or insight into the situation, and can't even tell that I've lost interest. Totally not their fault, I've been told multiple times that I'm hard to read and apparently I have the same expression when I'm okay vs when I'm fuming with rage... well... I'll take it as a compliment of my self control?

Oh, and the fact that my date smelled like they hadn't showered in a week didn't help. It's weird because we were messaging each other prior to meeting, and they said they were going to take a shower before meeting me... I was feeling mildly guilty because I was just going to go after work... then they rock up and I'm like, "huh, not what I expected, but OKAY, I'll deal with it".

I thought I'd go back to the city this weekend because I thought I'd find the countryside boring- well, there  are certainly things I miss (like my piano) but being in the country is not so bad. Much smaller dating pool but I should probably give that up for now... The air is fresh, the streets are calm, and the scenery is breath-taking. Oh, and I finish work on time, which is totally unexpected as well. I've gotten so used to staying back for hours and hours at a time (without getting paid for it, mind you), just to make sure the next day isn't fucking unbearable- and because I was willing to put in that extra time, everything was fine. Now it's like... everything will be fine even if I don't work myself to death... and I love it.

Everything at work is new and foreign; there are quite a few things to adjust to... but I think I went alright for my first day? I'm not sure. Tomorrow will be a bit busier because of the way the schedules work on Tuesdays and Thursdays... but I should still make it out of there on time. I really enjoy not having to drive 30min to and from work each though (though honestly 30min isn't too bad) and there being sunlight when I decide I'm done. The shops are only ever a 10min drive away, and I can buy whatever I want as well.... isn't that lovely.

I want to go out for a walk tomorrow. Maybe eat dinner with some of my new colleagues.

It's good to live a little.