I've been feeling a new kind of desperation recently. Maybe it's because I'm officially one year older than I was before.
I went out to celebrate with a few friends last night. It's not the first time I've felt completely lonely amongst company. It's strange. Like you're surrounded by people but you feel as if you have very little in commmon. Friends are nice... but there are things where I am quite reluctant to share with the friends I currently have... our bond with each other is far too shallow. Fun is to be shared, but misery is to be kept. You don't need to have a lot in common if you define your boundaries that way.
I've been searching for that kind of relationship, where I can relate. I want to breathe the air they breathe, feel the pain they feel, and become accustomed to each others' warmth.
I've always been an over-the-top romanticist.
Modern relationships don't really live up to my ideals. Monogamy is going out of fashion, it seems. Everyone wants a taste of polyamory, everyone wants to know what it feelse to be "open" and "free". I am far too jealous to share my love with another. It takes so much effort to care about just one person, I cannot imagine dedicating an equal amount to another- let alone multiple people.
It doesn't help that I have the strangest quirks, and I will find the most inane reasons to reject someone. Their voice is too high/ their smile is too creepy/ I don't like that accent/ I'm really bothered by that catch-phrase/ and no, no thanks... you're just a tad too ugly and I am convinced I can do so much better. Also, the dating process is just so BORING. "Like to travel/gym/eat food/walk by the beach/love dogs/drink coffee/drink alcohol/watch Netflix" Great, thanks. Me too. It's not that I want to argue politics or explore philosophy on every date, but I feel like if you don't agree on fundamental things sooner or later everything's going to go belly up.
Sooner or later I'm going to have to learn to compromise... but inside my head my own voice mocks me, "did you work this hard just to make compromises?" Yeah, I guess I can see why pride is a sin.
Somewhere buried in all this is my own need to be needed. Maybe that's why I don't mind my job as much as I should- because in this job I can delude myself that I AM needed. What will they do without me? If I take even one single day off, how will the system function? Our resources are so stretched, after all. Yet deep down I know, the world will go on with or without me.
We all want to believe that our lives have consequence. I remember, years ago, when I was feeling quite desperate- I asked, "is my life so insignificant that my death could not even break one person?" I wanted there to be someone I could hurt- to show that I mattered to someone, to show that I was loved. I'm glad to be past that now- it was a terribly maladaptive way of thinking. What was I even trying to achieve?
What I need to learn, after all, is to stop measuring myself by other people's standards. I need to believe that I have inherent value- all the superficial things like looks/money/education aside. It's SO hard. It's all I've been taught to work towards- and probably what I've dedicated most of my time to. Trying to rewire my brain, so that one day I can be comfortable and say, "hey, I'm Vane. I'm kind, I'm caring, I love life for what it has to offer and I'm okay with being flawed and vulnerable" <- literally everything I'm not right now...
One day.
