I feel like I have no idea wtf I'm doing at work, but I've managed to get a bit further along than last week. At least I no longer get lost inside my workplace and run around like a headless chicken. Everything still feels far to large and the lights far too bright, but yes, I'm slowly adjusting.
I haven't quite gotten over my fear of calling people on the phone, but unfortunately it's a daily job of mine. It's weird that I wouldn't mind speaking to them face to face or over text, but a phone call just seems so... idk, idk how to describe it but basically it weirds me out. I think doing everything via text would suit me so much better... maybe it's just a feature of my generation.
Anyway I got paid for work and idk if it makes everything right again, but at least it means I can pay off rent. I already spent my first paycheck on that iPad I always wanted to use as a drawing tablet- I get to pick it up tomorrow so that's mildly exciting. Yes, I did buy a vacuum cleaner. It was $200 but it works and I'm satisfied.
I need to stop spending money, I say as I browse electric pianos in my area.
Monday, 5 February 2018
Sunday, 28 January 2018
I started work and it sucked
Well I didn't start real work just yet... it's mostly orientation stuff, getting to know people. I'm just having a difficult time adjusting to the fact that I'm being paid to stay back every day so I actually need to stay back til that time. Every night I come home and I feel like I'd be okay if the world ended then and there, because it's not like I have effort to do much else. Luckily there was a long weekend and I survived, but it was a struggle.
It makes me worried- if I struggled this much through orientation, how much more is real work gonna suck? Or maybe I'll enjoy it, idk. I'm pretty positive that it'll all work out, but I think I'm mostly just... scared that I'm staring down "the rest of forever", though it may not necessarily be true.
I made some new friends though. That's been great. I finally finished moving into my new place, then I went out with my new friends and we had a bit of fun. We went to a national park and established that yes, I am physically unfit and I really need to exercise more. My body's still aching from the workout... it's kind of embarrassing to describe.
On an unrelated note, I'm still bleeding money like you wouldn't believe... I've furnished my home, and now I'm thinking of buying a $300 vacuum cleaner and a digital piano... My life just feels really... empty without the music.
I guess I better stop bitching about work (that I haven't started for reals yet) and make some money...
It makes me worried- if I struggled this much through orientation, how much more is real work gonna suck? Or maybe I'll enjoy it, idk. I'm pretty positive that it'll all work out, but I think I'm mostly just... scared that I'm staring down "the rest of forever", though it may not necessarily be true.
I made some new friends though. That's been great. I finally finished moving into my new place, then I went out with my new friends and we had a bit of fun. We went to a national park and established that yes, I am physically unfit and I really need to exercise more. My body's still aching from the workout... it's kind of embarrassing to describe.
On an unrelated note, I'm still bleeding money like you wouldn't believe... I've furnished my home, and now I'm thinking of buying a $300 vacuum cleaner and a digital piano... My life just feels really... empty without the music.
I guess I better stop bitching about work (that I haven't started for reals yet) and make some money...
Friday, 19 January 2018
I don't want to start work
So I went to check out my new work place and get some paperwork sorted before work officially starts on Monday. I was pretty much shitting myself as I walked through the building... Everything just looked newer and taller and more technologically advanced than we had it up North. Then the receptionist gave me the coldest reply I'd ever received when I asked her for directions to the office... and I was starting to feel a bit... uneasy. I mean she looked like me when I used to work at KFC, the "if my life were to end now it would be bliss" face, as you talk to the next person in front of you.
Anyway I lugged all my things and moved closer to work... but the place I'm renting hasn't been sorted out and like.... it's a nightmare imagining having to clean and set up furniture and just get everything ready by the evening... ahhhh it's a total disaster. I'll be so happy when everything's sorted and I can settle down for a bit. I've been haemorrhaging money since moving... wtf is stamp duty and why is it so expensive? Furniture, too. Furniture prices seemed reasonable until you realised you have to buy all kinds of furniture at once... then it's like ????????????? what.
Despite my frenzy and concerns over my financial stability, I am 2 clicks away from buying an iPad pro and the apple pencil that comes with it. I just... want to draw, so badly? I can think of so many reasons why I shouldn't buy it, and only one for why I should buy it... and that one reason is "because I want to". Weird how that has the same weight as everything on the other side, ranging from "you already have an iPad" to "you literally have to draw from your savings to afford this iPad".
Ah, needing money but not wanting to work. The life.
Anyway I lugged all my things and moved closer to work... but the place I'm renting hasn't been sorted out and like.... it's a nightmare imagining having to clean and set up furniture and just get everything ready by the evening... ahhhh it's a total disaster. I'll be so happy when everything's sorted and I can settle down for a bit. I've been haemorrhaging money since moving... wtf is stamp duty and why is it so expensive? Furniture, too. Furniture prices seemed reasonable until you realised you have to buy all kinds of furniture at once... then it's like ????????????? what.
Despite my frenzy and concerns over my financial stability, I am 2 clicks away from buying an iPad pro and the apple pencil that comes with it. I just... want to draw, so badly? I can think of so many reasons why I shouldn't buy it, and only one for why I should buy it... and that one reason is "because I want to". Weird how that has the same weight as everything on the other side, ranging from "you already have an iPad" to "you literally have to draw from your savings to afford this iPad".
Ah, needing money but not wanting to work. The life.
Saturday, 6 January 2018
A New Beginning
Happy New Years....
Although I'm writing this about a week late. I've spent the past month in (almost) absolute bliss. I saw most of the friends I've wanted to see, and I had fun spending money, going on holidays and playing too many games for my own good, probably.
I still haven't shaken off my mobile game addiction and I continue to play almost religiously. Whoops. The most productive thing I've done is probably sort out my accommodation for this year, since I'm going to be working full time. Oh my God the prospect scares me to shits. Work. Responsibility. Then on top of all this my never-ending goals to lose-weight-get-fit-(but maybe not too much weight)-read-more-find-love-study-harder it just gets a bit... too much to think about. Naturally I've decided to bury my head in the sand and "worry about it later".
Oh, I read Hannibal and Hannibal Rising at a beach house. Yeah I know I see like a loser, reading books when I'm at the beach, but it's really hot during the day time and I don't enjoy getting roasted by the Sun. I'm lucky I tan instead of burn, but that only slightly lowers my risk of skin cancer. Anyway, I'm glad I found those books at the beach. I've seen the TV show Hannibal in all its glory, but the novels were something else. I actually like the TV show much better (not just because I found the actors more attractive), but I felt as if the characters improved on the given source material. There were also some aspects of the novel which I found a bit... old fashioned. Like how uh, when you read Sherlock Holmes and there's a chapter that's randomly racist, and you realise it wasn't considered racist in their time, but it disturbs you now. Despite that, good read. Glad I read something.
I was actually quite surprised at the ending of Hannibal... I kind of envisioned a Hamlet-esque showdown where everybody ends up dead, but it wasn't that at all. I'd call the twist "refreshing", though I've read criticism claming that the ending undermines certain characters' development. I simply felt those characters arrived at one of their many character conclusions. I don't really want to spoil it in case someone reading this decides to read it some day. All I can say is that I wish they'd renew more seasons of Hannibal the TV show, because whew it's a good story.
Well, here's hoping that 2018 brings good things.
Although I'm writing this about a week late. I've spent the past month in (almost) absolute bliss. I saw most of the friends I've wanted to see, and I had fun spending money, going on holidays and playing too many games for my own good, probably.
I still haven't shaken off my mobile game addiction and I continue to play almost religiously. Whoops. The most productive thing I've done is probably sort out my accommodation for this year, since I'm going to be working full time. Oh my God the prospect scares me to shits. Work. Responsibility. Then on top of all this my never-ending goals to lose-weight-get-fit-(but maybe not too much weight)-read-more-find-love-study-harder it just gets a bit... too much to think about. Naturally I've decided to bury my head in the sand and "worry about it later".
Oh, I read Hannibal and Hannibal Rising at a beach house. Yeah I know I see like a loser, reading books when I'm at the beach, but it's really hot during the day time and I don't enjoy getting roasted by the Sun. I'm lucky I tan instead of burn, but that only slightly lowers my risk of skin cancer. Anyway, I'm glad I found those books at the beach. I've seen the TV show Hannibal in all its glory, but the novels were something else. I actually like the TV show much better (not just because I found the actors more attractive), but I felt as if the characters improved on the given source material. There were also some aspects of the novel which I found a bit... old fashioned. Like how uh, when you read Sherlock Holmes and there's a chapter that's randomly racist, and you realise it wasn't considered racist in their time, but it disturbs you now. Despite that, good read. Glad I read something.
I was actually quite surprised at the ending of Hannibal... I kind of envisioned a Hamlet-esque showdown where everybody ends up dead, but it wasn't that at all. I'd call the twist "refreshing", though I've read criticism claming that the ending undermines certain characters' development. I simply felt those characters arrived at one of their many character conclusions. I don't really want to spoil it in case someone reading this decides to read it some day. All I can say is that I wish they'd renew more seasons of Hannibal the TV show, because whew it's a good story.
Well, here's hoping that 2018 brings good things.
Friday, 24 November 2017
Recreational Drugs
A few years ago I had a massive spaz when I found out 90% of my friends smoked weed. Maybe I did grow up in a stifling conservative environment, I don't know, but back then I thought recreational drugs were like... the materialization of sin itself. Now I've gotten to the point where I'm heavily surprised if a friend says they've never used drugs in their life. Honestly, I still find drug use heavily confronting (when it's from people I know), and I still feel kinda of disappointed when my friends do it....(why would you do that to yourself), but I think I've learnt to be slightly more mature about it.
Having the time to grow up at my own pace, I've seen more of the world, and I've come to understand why people become addicted (just a little better). It doesn't excuse the appalling habit, but sometimes I'm like, "yeah, I get it". When you look around, the people who take drugs are just people like you and I, and you'd never know unless they told you. Humans are more complex than their addictions, I've realised that everyone has a backstory- some of them are just a series of tragedies, but others find success in unlikely places. People are more than their addictions, and it's hard to see that when people behave erratically due to their substance use.
Anyway, I find it appalling that people would support the state-sanctioned murder of drug users. Like holy fuck just because someone's addicted doesn't mean they're useless to society. I know so many high-functioning alcoholics. You probably know some too. Alcohol is pretty fucking bad for you, and that's legal. The illegal substances are yeah, terrible for your health, but it doesn't mean you get the right to kill someone because they snort some cocaine.
Am I too naive to believe that people have inherent worth? It's not that I haven't seen the wreckage some people can bring, and truly, there are terrible people out there. Maybe they don't have much rehab potential. Perhaps I shouldn't be so quick to criticize if I can't offer an alternative solution, but I just... I just feel like it's so wrong. Deep down, a part of me likes to believe that life is sacred, that there is a reason for our existence, even if we have to find and define our reason for existence for ourselves. Reading the Bible, I find it dissatisfying enough that God should have the right of judgment, so now I find it incredulous that humans are able to shroud themselves in such moral superiority over another that they would take away another's life, because they deem it not-worth-living.
I need a while more to reconcile how I feel about this topic. Admist all the helplessness I feel, I can still hear the child in me scream, "I want to change this world".
Having the time to grow up at my own pace, I've seen more of the world, and I've come to understand why people become addicted (just a little better). It doesn't excuse the appalling habit, but sometimes I'm like, "yeah, I get it". When you look around, the people who take drugs are just people like you and I, and you'd never know unless they told you. Humans are more complex than their addictions, I've realised that everyone has a backstory- some of them are just a series of tragedies, but others find success in unlikely places. People are more than their addictions, and it's hard to see that when people behave erratically due to their substance use.
Anyway, I find it appalling that people would support the state-sanctioned murder of drug users. Like holy fuck just because someone's addicted doesn't mean they're useless to society. I know so many high-functioning alcoholics. You probably know some too. Alcohol is pretty fucking bad for you, and that's legal. The illegal substances are yeah, terrible for your health, but it doesn't mean you get the right to kill someone because they snort some cocaine.
Am I too naive to believe that people have inherent worth? It's not that I haven't seen the wreckage some people can bring, and truly, there are terrible people out there. Maybe they don't have much rehab potential. Perhaps I shouldn't be so quick to criticize if I can't offer an alternative solution, but I just... I just feel like it's so wrong. Deep down, a part of me likes to believe that life is sacred, that there is a reason for our existence, even if we have to find and define our reason for existence for ourselves. Reading the Bible, I find it dissatisfying enough that God should have the right of judgment, so now I find it incredulous that humans are able to shroud themselves in such moral superiority over another that they would take away another's life, because they deem it not-worth-living.
I need a while more to reconcile how I feel about this topic. Admist all the helplessness I feel, I can still hear the child in me scream, "I want to change this world".
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