History of Friendships

I think I've complained about the matter of "not making friends" quite often since I moved, but I realized just now that it might not be such a big deal. I... might've always been this way, but I've just never realized it.

So I think back to my earliest memories, and my best friend's family was familiar with my own, and so we went to the same school, each skipped a grade at the same time and basically treated the other's house like our own. Then I moved away at the end of year 2--- and if I recall correctly, I did not make a single friend for the entire 7 months I was at my new school, and I was on speaking terms with maybe 4 people by the end of it. I of course naturally attributed that to my inability to speak English.

Then I move schools again, and for the rest of the school year, I made no friends. Year 4, however, brought on the best year of my life--- I spent little effort at school doing anything because by then my English was better than almost everyone in my class, and I'm Asian, so I can math (yes, "math" is a verb now). Anyway, I  spent the entire year playing handball, and I have 4 close friends who essentially entertained me all year. Except now that I think about it... none of them were my age. 3 of them were 2 years my senior and the other was a year older. 

Year 5 and 6 I merged into a different friendship group, because 3 of my previous friends had graduated and the other was somehow too cool for me now so he stopped playing with me (I literally got ditched after the Christmas break). My new friends, instead of being active, preferred to sit around and make quirky conversation. I enjoyed it, despite missing playing handball every recess and lunch I had.

Then that friendship group and I went separate ways, because I decided to go to a high school with class for "academically gifted" children. Now that I think back, the "academically gifted" thing wasn't even that special,  the work was harder but not hard enough to be challenging, and essentially all it did was lump me with a bunch of other kids who also thought they were the greatest beings in existence. Anyway, it just so happened that one of my new classmates went to the same primary school as me, and he became my best friend, even though I hardly ever spoke to him before then. I figure it was more a result of consequence as opposed to compatibility, because he changed towards the end of the year when he found someone who he had more common interests with, and all of a sudden we weren't best friends any more. I wouldn't call this one a "ditch", however, because I acted like a complete asshole when I realized my best friend was getting "stolen" and stopped talking to him, but to be fair he did change in a dislikeable way.

Then came year 8, and I was without a best friend. Luckily in the previous year I had socialized enough with the people in my elitist class to merge in with the big group. I spent all of year 8 playing card games in the library, and bonded well with about half the class--- the other half I wouldn't say I disliked but they weren't my kind of people, so I pretended they weren't there.

And so I kept on for the rest of my years at high school, seldom going out of my "academically gifted" social group. I had maybe 4 or 5 people outside the group who I was friends with, and I deemed everyone else too stupid for my time. I still remember one day, to tease me, a couple of my classmates insisted that Taiwan was a country, and I maintained that there was a difference between a country and a self-governing state. Anyway, some other kids joined my classmates in their claim that Taiwan was a country, except they weren't doing it to tease me; they sincerely believed that Taiwan was a country. My classmates laughed for quite a bit, I assume it was because I was getting told off by kids we considered as "not very bright". That was a significant event which contributed to my cynical attitude of "people are generally stupid, and they don't like keeping that to themselves".

Moving on, I went to college, and basically all my friends from that "academically gifted" class went to the same college I did. However, I still spent the first term relatively alone, because you could choose your own classes, and for various reasons none of my friends were even in the same classes as me. Then by term 2 I had so much work I no longer cared for much social interaction, so all I did was talk to a couple of people on MSN, who I was quite close with from high school.

...Then, strangely, somewhere along the way, I picked up a couple of dear friends who I either didn't speak to much at high school or had only met in college. Now that, that is the glorious event I am trying to pick apart. How did we become friends? I can't remember. I really can't. What was our first conversation? I don't even fucking now. One thing I do know is... we never directly approached each other, and never started with, "Hi, my name is _________ and I come from __________"

And the line described above, I swear, is the line that everybody uses in university. They go up to someone, introduce themselves, and BAM, end of conversation. It is so incredibly awkward I don't know why people do it. I don't even fucking know why it's encouraged. It's supposed to build social confidence? Maybe. But as far as I see, that is what I'd do if I wanted to ask them to donate to charity, not if I wanted to be their friend.

No... by my observations, there is more to a friendship than a shitty simple introduction. Yes, the introduction could well be a catalyst, but I do not believe that friendship will necessarily be the end-product. Though of course that could just be me. They say that friends have similar personalities--- well, perhaps I need friends who match my disposition of "liking to maintain social distance" and "generally warms to people slowly". I believe I am the sort of person who much prefers to bond with people over a mentally stimulating activity--- like how all my closest friends and I studied higher level  maths...

Oh geez, now that I think about it, it was probably the maths. We studied maths together and bonded over solving mathematical problems. ...I think I've found my answer. 

Anyway, given my record, I should just let the "I can't make friends" thing go. Historically speaking it takes about a year for me to form a relationship solid enough for me to call "friendship", and now that I no longer study mathematics, I can expect that it may take even longer before I find compatible friends.

Huh, who would have thought that maths could have a positive influence on social bonding?

Fine Day

It's a fine day outside. The weather has finally cleared. I, of course, chose to sleep the entire morning, and it is now strictly afternoon. I haven't had any breakfast yet, but I am under no motivation to make any despite being somewhat hungry.

I should be doing work--- and I should always be doing work, but as usual I'm not. I've been trying to draw something that I can clearly see in my head, but it doesn't translate on to paper. I wish I were a more skilled artist. Out of frustration, I've snapped the lead of my pencil several times. And before you suggest--- I do not have anger management issues.

I have the biggest urge ever to play games. It's not unusual--- I have a new powerful laptop that can run a lot of things without slowing down, and the keyboard doesn't jam like the one I have on my desktop. Of course the biggest dilemma is always going to be the work due on Wednesday and Thursday, and whatever shit might pop up later. It makes me stressed just thinking about it.

Perhaps I'll go for a walk this afternoon to ease my mind of these mundane stresses. Or I could consider finishing my work early for once, and not having a reason to stress at all.

...If only I were a more... well, if only I gave more of a shit about my studies. I just want to experience "the best time of life" that everyone keeps talking about--- but as far as I can see, it's just work work and more work, all the way until I step into the grave.

WTF am I doing with my life.

Back Up North

Though I constantly complain about it being hot and humid up north, every time I've travelled up here, it's rained. Like today. Good thing it didn't pour on me as I got off the train, otherwise that would've been a bitch to handle. I was already having difficulty holding on to all my luggage. My mother decided to pack me a whole bunch of crap I'm not quite sure I need, and when I had my backpack on I effectively doubled in size. Then I had another bag packed with a heavy-ass textbook, which would've gone in my backpack if my mother didn't already stuff it full. Then she gave me another container which weighed like 10kg to carry, and it was packed full of food. Sure, it was good food, but I reached the conclusion that I'd rather not eat and not carry anything up. I contemplated just leaving all the food behind, but I did not want to endure the rage that would ensue after such an action.

I feel sort of guilty, by complaining about the weight of the food someone went to the trouble of making for me especially. I mean, I did tell her not to make stuff...

Gah, I'm a jerk. Travelling with so much crap was difficult, but I do appreciate it.

Now that I'm sitting in my usual place in my rented house, I realize that I miss the concept of a home. When I went back for Easter, my parents weren't being colossal pains--- which was something I haven't had since I don't remember when. I'm sure they put in effort to not annoy me because I was only back for such a short time, but already I'm considering moving back post-graduation. I have to constantly remind myself not to fall back into the trap of "food which magically appears", because the trade-off is massive.

Anyway, night's getting late, and I'm on my own again. Though I could technically sleep whenever I want, I'll just call it a night. I haven't done much except for sitting on buses/coaches/trains all day, but travelling is tiring, okay?

I really should go explore this town more. Maybe I'll start to like it.

Back to the Past

So I went with two of my best friends and I visited college again. It actually hasn't been that long since I left there. About 3 months, ish. Like, nothing had changed, except everything had. I still felt like I melted right in, but I look at the foreign faces around me and realize that it's a different year-group, and no, I am actually not part of this anymore. They were in test week, I look at them all stressed about the upcoming maths exam, whether or not they'd covered a certain concept, and bitching about the average and standard deviation--- and I notice how I'm not stressed at all. It's a strange feeling, thinking that, "huh, that was me, not long ago. In fact, that was like... less than 6 months ago." Then I feel as if I've been separated from my college days by a glass wall--- I can most certainly look back, but I'll always be kept out by this invisible partition known as "growing up".

As I walked along the corridors of college I realized: curling up in a ball of stress and complaining about everything is complacency in itself. I've been on a seemingly endless routine of feeling stressed, thinking that my life has sunk to the shits, bitching about parents and complaining about friends, then feeling irrationally happy for a day or two, before feeling like shit again. Yet somewhere along the way, I had somehow adjusted to that, and accepted the fact that, "yes, I stress a lot", and "yes, I complain a lot". Now I take everything for granted and have no intention of changing my habits.

Currently? I'm all right. Even though I'm with my parents for Easter, they haven't done anything to upset me. I, on the other hand, must have caused a lot of grief. Funny that, I can appreciate the fact that I'm annoying to have around now. When I think about it... to this household, I'm like a phantom which only appears during dinner time to share the food, I contribute to the washing that needs to be done weekly, aaaand... actually, there's not much else. Huh, when I put it that way, I wasn't that bad.

Anyway, I went back to school but everything was same-but-different. I hated it, because I feel as if I had made no substantial improvements from the old "me". I am still socially awkward in my own right--- not necessarily in saying anything offensive to stunt conversation, but more along the lines of refusing to initiate or making no effort to propagate the conversation in the first place. Ah, I'm still doing that thing where I want to talk to someone desperately but refuses to make the first move. Out of some twisted form of self-preservation, I refuse to appear needy or dependent. By logic, not many will actually recognize me as pathetically needy, but I am so self-centered that I refuse to take the chance.

A prime example would be how I refuse to add people to my friend's list on facebook. Unless I've known them for years, and we're close friends. That's a different matter, because a mutual friendship is already well-established. But for people I'm not particularly familiar with, I just think--- "no no no, you add me, because you're the one who wants to know me more than I want to know you" Of course that's really not the case, because if I think along that track it's probably because I have decent interest in the person.

...I'm just sort-of-twisted like that.

Gah, in any case, I visited my old school today, and I'm glad I did, even if it did make me feel a bit strange. I met my teachers again---and I was happy for that. I don't think I necessarily want to go back to the past--- because the present is pretty sweet... but I still feel that this isn't where I want to be in my life, and I want to move on as quickly as possible.

Life becomes so complicated past midnight.

Recurring Guilt

I realized that even though I've advanced to tertiary education, my habits are still no better than they were before. I am still perfectly capable of sleeping through a bright and sunny morning, then wallow in perfect complacency for the rest of my daylight hours. When night falls, I start feeling irritated, because that's when I should ideally start working. Except it doesn't happen, and I start feeling agitated instead. I don't know why I prefer to do literally anything else to studying--- I thought I didn't mind studying.

Sometimes I feel as if I had never really graduated--- my workload hasn't gotten any better, it's just that I'm now even less aware of when things are due and what I should be up to, because I no longer have a good unit outline. I used to be able to figure out where I was up to- now, I just look at it and figure that I can sorta do whatever I want except finish everything before exams come around. I have a feeling I'm going to have a breakdown at exam time, over the sheer amount of work which I haven't learnt and haven't covered.

So now, I could be studying instead of writing. But I'm not doing that. In fact, I'm going to leave the house and meet some friends in about 10 minutes....

Definitely not looking forward to exams.